When every call with your parent becomes a care update
When practical questions fill a call, make a little room for everyday news, shared interests and the conversations you miss having with your parent.
You call your parent meaning to catch up. Then you remember the appointment, the lift that needs confirming and the shopping that should have arrived. By the time you have worked through those questions, one of you needs to go.
You have learned what you needed to know. You may still miss talking to them.
When you help from another home, a phone call can carry a lot of responsibility. Asking about practical things is one way you show care. Alongside those questions, you may want space for the conversations you used to have: the television programme you both follow, a family story, something funny on the way to work.
There can be room for that part of your relationship too.
Notice what you miss talking about
Think about a recent call. Was there something your parent wanted to tell you that you moved past because another question was waiting? Was there something from your own day that you meant to share?
Start with something particular. Perhaps you miss asking your dad's opinion about a repair, or hearing your mum describe what is growing in the garden. Your parent may have different interests now, so leave room to discover what they enjoy talking about today.
NIH MedlinePlus's guidance on long-distance caregiving (PDF) encourages making time together for shared interests and everyday company alongside care responsibilities. Its advice concerns visits; bringing that same intention to a call is a starting point to explore with your parent.
The conversation examples below are fictional.
You could say, “I miss hearing about what you've been watching. Would you like to tell me about it?” Or ask whether there is something they have been wanting to talk about.
Give the practical update somewhere to end
Some questions need attention during the call. You can acknowledge them and make a little space around them.
“I need to check the lift for Thursday. Then I'd love to hear about your morning.”
Later, when that question is settled:
“Thanks, I've got that. You were saying something about the neighbour's dog?”
The small change is following the thread your parent offers instead of immediately moving to the next item in your head.
If a practical matter remains unresolved, say what still needs doing and who has actually agreed to follow it up. That may help you put it aside for the rest of the conversation. Avoid treating a vague “we'll sort it out” as a completed arrangement.
Your parent may want to keep talking about their care, pain or worries. Let that matter too. Making room for ordinary conversation should leave space for what they need to say.
Bring something from your own day
A call can become a string of questions even when every question is kindly meant. Try arriving with something to contribute yourself.
It might be a small mishap, a view from your window, a piece of family news or a question about something your parent knows well. Choose something that fits your relationship. You might say:
“I tried making your soup and managed to get it much too thick. What do you usually do when that happens?”
Or simply:
“I heard that song you like on the way home. It made me think of you.”
Leave time for the response. Follow their interest, including when it takes the conversation somewhere you had not expected. They may want to offer advice, tell you something, laugh with you or just listen.
Make the conversation easier to join
Ask whether it is a good time to talk and what kind of call your parent prefers. A familiar phone call may suit them better than a video call, or they may enjoy seeing something you want to show them. Try what they find comfortable and manageable.
If hearing is difficult, ask what helps. Turning down background television or radio and speaking clearly may make conversation easier. Avoid shouting. These approaches are included in the National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders' hearing guidance.
If your parent has dementia, adapt to the person you are talking with. The Alzheimer's Association recommends allowing time for a response, listening without rushing in, and discussing which way of communicating feels comfortable. Avoid assuming what someone can do from a diagnosis alone.
If a broad question about their day is difficult, you could offer a small piece of your own news and let them respond to that. Ask one question at a time when needed. A conversation can include pauses, repeated stories and changes of subject.
Leave room for the day you are both having
Some days the care update will take the whole call. There may be a pressing concern, little energy or only a few minutes available. That call still has a place in your relationship.
On another day, you might follow a story for longer, share a joke or ask for an opinion. Your parent may also want to end the call, and you have limits on your time too. Work with what is possible for both of you.
For your next call, bring one small thing you would enjoy sharing. See whether your parent wants to join you there, or has something of their own to tell you. Give that conversation a little room.
References
- NIH MedlinePlus Magazine, Helping from miles away: Strategies for long-distance caregiving (PDF, 2024 Issue 10, pp. 5–6).
- National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders, Age-Related Hearing Loss (Presbycusis).
- Alzheimer's Association, Communication and Alzheimer's.