You’re suddenly helping a parent. Where do you begin?
When you’re suddenly helping a parent, start with what matters to them, what is already covered and a part you can realistically take on.
A change in your parent’s health can leave you handling things you had never expected to organize. There may be calls to return, unfamiliar information to understand and ordinary tasks waiting at home. Your own work, children or other responsibilities still need attention too.
You might already be helping without having thought of yourself as a caregiver. Family Caregiver Alliance describes how that role can develop gradually or arrive after a major health event, alongside the roles a person already has.
Once immediate medical needs are being addressed, you may be wondering what your part should be. You can begin with a smaller aim than planning everything ahead: understand what needs attention next, and where help is actually missing.
Begin with your parent’s view of today
If your parent can take part, make room for their account of what has changed and what would be helpful. They may want assistance with one thing while continuing to manage something else themselves.
A question such as “What would you like some help with today?” leaves room for their priorities. Listen for what they want to keep doing, too. The National Institute on Aging’s guidance on sharing care includes the older person in conversations about what support is wanted and needed.
You may hear something different from what you expected. Perhaps the thing taking up your attention is a future appointment, while your parent wants help telling someone they will be away from home. That difference is worth understanding before arrangements gather momentum.
Find out what is already covered
Before taking on a responsibility, find out whether your parent or someone else has already arranged it. Ask the person helping nearby what they are handling and what remains unsettled. If you live elsewhere, that conversation can give you a more accurate starting point than guessing from a distance. NIA’s guide to getting started with caregiving recommends asking the person receiving care and the main caregiver, where there is one, how you can help.
Keep a practical need separate from an unanswered question. Knowing that a ride is missing gives you something to help arrange. Not knowing whether your parent will need assistance after leaving hospital is something to clarify with the care team before counting on a particular plan.
If your immediate concern is understanding hospital care, our guide to preparing questions for the care team can help you prepare for that conversation.
You do not have to turn every unknown into a task for yourself. Sometimes the useful next step is finding out who can answer or arrange the missing part.
Work out a part you can sustain
Your availability belongs in this conversation. Being able to visit today does not tell everyone how much time you will have next week. A job, children, distance, health or the cost of travel can affect what you can offer. NIA’s guidance on sharing responsibilities encourages being realistic about those limits.
If a proposed task involves care you have not learned to provide, tell the care team and ask what instruction or other help is needed. NIA’s getting-started guide identifies training as part of preparing for an unfamiliar caregiving role.
When you are ready to offer an everyday task, our guide to agreeing on one useful way to help from another home works through the details.
If there is no one else available, name that gap when asking the care team or local support services about possible assistance. Ask what is actually available, what it would involve and what remains unresolved. A suggestion of help still needs to become a workable arrangement.
For now, aim to leave your next conversation understanding a little more: what your parent wants help with, what is already being handled and what still needs an answer. You can take a useful part while the longer-term picture is still becoming clear.
References
- Winn Merwin, The Accidental Caregiver’s Guide: The Toolkit for Navigating the Healthcare System and Aging in Place.
- Donna Schempp, LCSW, for Family Caregiver Alliance, Caregiving 101: On Being a Caregiver.
- National Institute on Aging, Getting Started With Caregiving.
- National Institute on Aging, Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities.